I woke up early this Saturday morning, and I’m honestly surprised with myself. I guess because I wake up at 5:30 every weekday, my body holds out until the weekend and then refuses to wake up until 9:00 or 10:00 on Saturdays and Sundays.
Typically, I spent the first half an hour on a Saturday glued to the toilet, browsing through my Instagram whilst the laxatives I took last night did their thing. I only laxative purge because I don’t vomit quietly and making myself vomit freaks me out. Before you ask, neither is a glamorous or “easy” way of purging. Laxatives ruin your intestines and digestive tract, and they make you poo yourself. Yep, keep that tidbit in mind!
I find it so weird on Instagram, and even on WordPress, how the wannanorexics and “pro-anas” always talk about purging so cutely. It’s not cute. It’s not some skinny blonde girl with her hair in a fishtail braid leaning over a toilet bowl, with a perfect face of makeup and a toothbrush in her manicured hand. If they actually struggled with purging they would know it’s not “cute”. It’s humiliating and disgusting.
In reality, you’re crouched around a stinky toilet bowl, fingers and toothbrushes covered in vomit and bile. Your eyes are red and watery, you face covered in sweat and vomit and tears because it’s agony forcing yourself to purge. Your belly burns, your intercostal muscles ache, your throat is raw. You keep going and going until you’re spitting up blood.
Purging is not a cute butterfly anamia Starving in Suburbia movie scene.
But whatever, end rant.
This morning I’ve had a cup of masala chai and three plums, total 140 calories. Ha, I was jokingly thinking of having a tea-&-fruit diet today but that probably won’t happen. Wasting time watching YouTube videos by my favourite makeup gurus and food vloggers and tech reviewers.
A thunderstorm is predicted for today, and it’s looking really gloomy outside so there’s an honest chance it will rain. I really want to tidy and hoover my room, but I can’t do that without doing my small load of laundry… and rain just throws all of my plans out the window. Grrr.
The clouds make it cozy though. I wish I had a working laptop so I could curl up in bed and write, swaddled and warm. Not sore and cold, numb toes from bad circulation, hunched up in my desk chair on top of pillows because I’m a short and bone-y person.
“Bone-y” ha! I’m totally not actually bone-y, I just have no arse. I stepped on the scale this morning after the half an hour toilet break and I haven’t lost an ounce all week… but I have to give myself some grace considering I’ve changed my intake and diet only on Monday. Now that I’m below 110 lbs / 50 kg, losing weight is difficult.
When I was 167 lbs / 72 kg, it was so easy to lose weight. I lost 4 lbs overnight several times; that was amazing! Now I’m lucky to lose half a kilo in a fortnight. Sigh. But slow and steady wins the race.
Turtles take it slow and get places. Turtle Dove should use them as an inspirational model and shouldn’t cry about it.
I keep getting it in my head that I haven’t lost any weight this year but that’s a lie. A couple of months ago I stepped on the scale at a pharmacy when I was picking up some asthma medication and weighed 48.8 kg / 107 lbs. This morning I was 46.9 kg / 103 lbs.
I am losing weight it just takes time.
I need to exercise and liquid fast more. My liquid fasting days are Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays. I’ve got to completely liquid fast on those days though, and not given in to eating a plate of dinner at 8 o’clock at night, even if my family push. I don’t need to eat that much. It’s frankly greedy of me.
Has anyone considered having a couple of vegan days a week? I’m not interested in going completely vegan because a) I’m not made of money and b) I’m anaemic and already have nutritional absorption problems. But one or two days a week of vegan eating might be a good idea. Maybe one vegan day and then one raw vegan day? I feel like I should cut back on my processed food and animal protein intake. That and apparently there’s a vegan brownie that’s amazing and gooey and only 70 calories per square.
I haven’t had chocolate for a fortnight but I know that’ll probably end tomorrow when Someone comes around. They try to be sweet and buy me junk food I like but I’m almost phobic of that right now. I’m hoping if They ask what I’d like from the store, I’ll just say Diet Coke or something and They won’t question it.
I can resist. I can resist.
Okay so weird non-linear second post done. I just wanted to ramble and be self-absorbed, again, I think.
It’s funny, I wrote this when I knew that there’s a queued post set for today at 11:00 am. So anyone who reads this is getting two posts in one day. Ha! How self-absorbed of me.
Anyway; I just wanted to add a note about things I’d like to post on this blog so here they are:
- Diary posts (duh)
- Food I eat and recipes I make
- Exercise logs
- Photos I take
- Body-checks of myself and weigh-ins
- Opinion posts (if I ever feel strongly enough about stuff)
- My boring life in general
Turtle Dove 