Concomitant

Hmmm, almost six months since last entry.

I never said I was punctual.

I finished my final exams on the 15th of November. Could not sleep the night before both my semester two and my government exams which was absolutely fantastic *snark snark*. I feel like I passed but I don’t think I have enough marks to get into my ultimate university course, sigh. Will find out in late December.

News, news. Okay, so:

1. I had a “recovery” attempt in June and by “recovery” I mean I ate like a normal person whilst have stupid eating disorder thoughts and let myself balloon up to 55 kg. Am down to 52 kg right now three and a bit weeks after weighing myself and crying at how absolutely whale-like and wobbly I was am. My goal for this summer break (which is roughly 2 1/2 months) is to drop somewhere below 45 kg. Exercising is a thing I need to get into.
2. Someone is sucking cock now. Blunt and nasty to say, but I find it funny because she swore up and down she was a lesbian. I am a firm believer that sexuality is fluid and I don’t doubt that for a second, but Someone was so furiously stubborn and obnoxious in their ways; for them to message me late night with questions about how to handle dick was hilarious. Am happy they are moving on, but am not happy that I still have to support Someone but they shut me down and stop talking to me when I need an ear. Someone is very selfish and self-centred. No surprise.
3. Had several existential crises. Still cannot decide on particular university courses to apply for, have shot for veterinary science but we all know how stupid I am, so that’s a pipe-dream and a half. Other options are law and nursing/midwifery. Who knows; I don’t.
4. Went to Friend J’s wedding. Because I gained aforementioned weight, had to get the bridesmaid dress let out at the waist as had gained three and a half inches around piggy potbelly. Cannot look at wedding photos without cringing and want to cut off own wobbly arm wings.
5. I have an (anonymous) Twitter. Follow for whinging. You can see my face on there if you scroll. It can get political.

Lots of others thing have happened, but I can’t remember anything of dire importance right now.

I will need things to occupy myself with. I don’t cope with stagnation. Having spent two whole years of my middle teens literally trapped inside my bedroom from chronic disease, I do not cope with stagnation. Holiday? Piss off. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Enrichment and complexities is what I need. I need things to do. Am editing for someone as well as trying to complete fics to post online, even though nobody reads them. I need to lose weight and get a butt, obviously.

Am browsing tumblr right now for planner inspirations. Because my family is big, as in Irish big, we do Secret Santas so everybody gets presents. I got the same person as last year, who wants a planner. Am sorely tempted to buy my own planner when I go shopping for their present. For someone as disorganised as me, I crave order.

Am going to write things that need to be expressly done by week until mid-January. Am not actually sure when University starts besides sometime in early February. Will include exercise things plus calorie limits. Want to try to stay beneath 1,200-ish calories this week but actual harsh-line is under 1,000. Will drop to 900, 800, 700, etc. etc.

It’s nuts that when I started restricting I dropped to 500 calories and was fine. I only started feeling hungry when I dropped below 50 kg, and even though I’m a lard-arse at 52 kg now, I still get ravenous and ill when am hungry. Am going to train myself to get over it because I need to lose weight like I need to breathe.

I feel so uncomfortable at this high a weight.

My thighs touch and brush when I walk, my upper-arms look like hams, my face is rounder. My saddlebags are horrifying. You can grab whole rolls of fat off my stomach. Is disgusting. None of my swimsuits fit and its summer. I just can’t deal and the last thing I want to do is go to university this fat because nobody will doubly like me now.

I don’t want to be freaking “slender”. I want to be skin and bones and control and venom and beauty.

Not this fat little rolypoly ugly thing. I look so unappealing. Urgh.

This summer is the summer of change.

Ciao for now,

turtledove